Changing your expections

If you change your expectations then you won't be disappointed. This is something that my mother always told me... To the point where, as a teenager, if I heard her say it one more time, I was going to scream! But now, I understand why she wanted to instill this idea in me. She did not want me to feel hurt. As I am slowly discovering, life is all about setting and achieving goals.  When we meet these goals, we feel successful; when we do not meet these goals, we feel a sense of failure and disappointment.  As if that wasn't enough PRESSURE and STRESS... Our society dictates that we set extremely high expectations for ourselves and push these expectations on our kids; we should never be happy with what we have and always want more; we should continue on with things that do not make us happy so that we can show dedication, perseverance and complete tasks that are given to us. We need to do these things to prove that we are motivated to succeed and accomplish what is expected of us.  But who has laid out the path that we walk along? And who has decided what is enough and what is too little? And who decides what is satisfactory and what is not? Is it okay for us to let society define the answers to these questions? Not when it comes to making life a little bit easier for our kids, it's not.

It is extremely important  that when we set goals and/or expectations for our children that we base them on the capabilities that they actually have.  DO NOT LET SOCIETY SET THESE GOALS FOR YOU!  Society decides what 'normal' is and we all work to reach this normality or strive above it.  But what actually is 'normal'?  Is anybody 'normal'?  Can all children beviewed through a standardized lens, have standardized goals and expectations placed on them and then succeed in a standardized and normal way?  I'm sure you've guessed my answer.... NO!

When setting expectations and goals for your child, make sure to set goals that your child can achieve!  Think about it-- You join a gym because you want to lose weight.  You set your goal to be 8 pounds in the first week.  You lose 3.  We all know that unless someone is extremely overweight and a competitor on The Biggest Loser, that an 8 or more pound weight loss is an extremely, sometimes impossible, goal to achieve.  Knowing this would you set yourself up for failure or set up a goal that is achievable and reasonable?  The same logic applies to setting grade goals for your child.  Decrease the grade goals that you set for your child; this way when he/she does receive an extremely high grade, you will be able to experience pride and excitement with your child!  Be your child's biggest support and experience the accomplishments with them! 

If you have a specific question or topic that you would like to see in my next blog, email me at robin@brightsidelearning.com

STRUCTURE = SUCCESS

To home school or not to home school? That is the question being analyzed by researchers at Concordia and Mount Allison Universities. Their study of 74 children, half being schooled in a structured home environment and half at a public school, indicated that the winner is... A STRUCTURED HOME SCHOOLING ENVIRONMENT! As a matter of fact, their studies indicated that children who receive structured homeschooling had increased levels in all subject areas, including math, reading and writing. Moreover, the study found that children who were learning in unstructured homeschooling environments were more likely to have lower test scores than children in structured homeschooling and public schools. What does this study confirm? It confirms that parents should SET THEIR KIDS UP FOR SUCCESS BY PROVIDING THEM WITH STRUCTURE, ORGANIZATION AND SCHEDULES!

Parents, when you provide your children with structure, this means that you are asserting and establishing your parental authority and control in a responsible manner, by encouraging healthy growth and development in your children. This means that YOU are in control, not your child, and that you are setting him/her up for success! You are teaching your child about good work ethic, hard work, dedication, follow through, discipline, achievement and morals/values. Isn't this what every parent wants? Just imagine if you never would have put rules in place about your child running into the street-- That would be extremely dangerous! Just like we set our kids up to understand safety concerns, we need to set them up to understand what it takes to achieve academic success.


Here are some tips about positive and negative consequences that you can use to get your child to follow the structure that you have put into place:

1. Establish Family Rules:

• Make sure that you provide your children with specific, clearly defined rules. For example, instead of saying 'No hitting,' be more specific: 'No hitting your brother.'
• Ensure that your rules are attainable! Do not outline that your child must set the table if he/she cannot reach the dishes/If your rule is 'All children in our house should work to achieve grades of 80% or higher,' make sure that your child is able to achieve that goal.
  
• Make a list of rules and then present them to your children. Discuss them so that everyone understands what is expected of them.
  

2. Use Rewards to Increase Positive Behavior:

• If you are providing your child with a reward to reinforce positive behavior, it is best to do so immediately after the behavior has occurred.
  
• Make a list of desirable and appropriate behaviors so that everyone in your household can clearly identify them.
  
• Reward DOES NOT mean a gift or money. There are other ways to give your child a reward:

1. Acknowledge the desired/appropriate behavior: "I noticed that you listened well when I was giving you instructions. Thank you."
2. Express appreciation or approval: "I like when you clean up your toys!"
3. Praise the behavior: "Great job!"
4. Show interest in your child and the activities the he/she is doing: "I see that you are building a house out of blocks, can you explain to me what you're making?"
5. Smile, give your child a hug or a pat on the back.
   
6. Participate in an activity with your child: "You listened really well. Would you like to play a game with mom?"
7. Give your child the treat of doing something he/she loves: Give your child 15 extra minutes on the computer or watching television, take your child to a movie or to the park or take him/her swimming or skating. When using these rewards, try putting into place a points system so your child can work his/her way up to this special treat.
   

3. Use Consequences to Reduce Inappropriate/Undesirable Behavior:

• Discuss the details and consequences of your Family Rules when everyone is calm and your child is not misbehaving.
  
• Explain why the rules are important: "It is important to put your toys away when you are finished playing with them because someone could trip over them and get hurt."
• When your child exhibits an inappropriate behavior acknowledge how he/she feels: "I understand that you were angry so you hit your sister."
  
• Explain how you feel when your child exhibits inappropriate behavior by using I Statements: "I feel ______ when you ________."
  
• Explain the impact that the inappropriate behavior can have: "When you hit your sister you can hurt her."
  
• Re-state your expectation and help your child make a plan of action the next time something happens: "The next time you are angry with your sister please come tell me so I can help you deal with it in a better way."
  

By implementing this type of structure, you can help your child to succeed! These are skills that your child will take to school and can help him/her develop an excellent work ethic, can-do attitude and better listen and follow directions.

If you have a suggestion for my next blog, please feel free to send me an email at robin@brightsidelearning.com .

CATCHING THE BUS

I remember being a full-time student in university during midterms. Every class had an exam AND a paper due. That made five exams to study for and five papers to write in a two week time span. And of course, for every exam, there was a ton of reading to do that I always left until the last minute, and for every paper, there were pages and pages of articles to read. I was drowning. PRESSURE. STRESS. ANXIETY. I was running behind a bus, out of breath, and just could not seem to catch up. Somehow, of course, I always seemed to pull it together; I would get everything completed and done well. Midterms were exhausting, draining and emotional. But somehow I got through them, year after year. How did I do this? I took responsibility for what I had to do, made a plan of action and followed through. I stopped trying to reach the bus after it left and actually caught and boarded it before its departure instead. I took action. I got rid of the dog and took initiative. Are you doing the same when it comes to your child's education?

PRESSURE. ANXIETY. STRESS. A lot of kids are out of breath and trying to catch the bus when it comes to school. Parents want their children to succeed academically but are they doing what it takes to help them? When you hire a tutor are you expecting that all of the responsibility is taken off of your shoulders? Are you helping your child learn good study habits from an early age? It is important to remember that children do not have the life experience, communication skills or critical thinking power to deal adequately with PRESSURE, ANXIETY or STRESS. This means that parents must help them take responsibility for their studies by being role models; show your children how to catch their breath and the bus.

There are many things that you can do to demonstrate academic responsibility and it's best to start implementing these strategies when your children are young.

• Get your child into a routine. Setting up an after school schedule for your child will help determine expectations and create standards. Make the schedule with your child and post it on the fridge so that he/she knows exactly what to do. Here is a sample schedule:
  

• Enforce the schedule! If your child knows that he is not being monitored, then he/she might try to take advantage! Make sure that you demonstrate accountability by holding your child responsible for following the schedule.
  
• Actively participate in your child's schedule. Work with your child to complete his/her homework; make sure that everything is done correctly and completely! Ask your child questions to make sure that he/she understands key concepts.
  
• When there is an upcoming assignment, test or project, demonstrate how to avoid stress by making a plan of action to complete the work. Show your child how to make this plan of action and then slowly let him/her take on more responsibility in the planning process with each upcoming assignment. Here is an example of a plan of action for studying for a test:
  

Remember! If you want your child to be up to date, help him/her alleviate PRESSURE, ANXIETY and STRESS. Model the behavior that he/she should demonstrate and then follow-up on it! Do not be afraid to put in the time to demonstrate what you want your child to do. If your child sees you putting in the time, then he/she will not hesitate to also put in the time. By placing these measures into action early on, it will help your child avoid needing to catch his/her breath. Instead, he/she will be able to board the bus and succeed in school!

Call it INSPIRATION

When I think about the word inspiration, I think about what has motivated me to work hard my entire life, what has led me down the path towards success and what has pushed me to accomplish my goals. As far as I can remember, I have always had one goal: to make a difference. Every action that I have taken has helped me move closer to this goal. I look at all of the children that I have helped through tutoring, teaching, coaching and being a positive role model. I look at all of the families that I have provided support to. And I hope that this blog is able to act as an extension to this work that I am so diligently trying to provide. I have always believed that children should be encouraged to develop a passion and strive towards it. I firmly believe in the expression FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS. And the goal of today's blog will be to provide strategies about how to help your child figure out what their passion is and how to pursue it. But first, I must share a story that has recently inspired me, one that has put a whole new spin on how I approach communicating with children. If you ask me today to link a name to the word inspiration, I am drawn to a child named Ellis Goldsmith, a child that I have never even met.

Last week, I went to the Montreal Families Special Education Fair. I figured that it would be an excellent opportunity to become informed about the available resources for families who have children with special needs in Montreal. What I found were kiosks of people who were extremely inspiring. One project, The Big Blue Hug, was particularly inspiring. In a time when community resources are slim and funding is even slimmer, I was extremely inspired by Jason Goldsmith, the father of an autistic child, who has demonstrated the sheer definition of being a proactive parent. When his son Ellis was 5 years old, Jason figured out that he thought in pictures and began using drawing as a tool to communicate with him. He discovered that he was able help his son attach meaning to words through this method. He has been communicating with his son, now 12 years old, through this method and his son's language skills have increased as a result. He decided to use Ellis' drawings as a method for sharing their story with others, has used the drawings to create a family business so that Ellis will be able to sustain himself when he grows up and to teach other families about how to picture talk as well.

When I stumbled upon this kiosk, I had to stay and chat with Jason. He was selling beautiful and inspirational glass paintings based on the picture talking that he has done with Ellis. I listened to his story intently, asked a bunch of questions and became motivated and inspired. How exactly does one explain what inspiration feels like? I felt a warmth in my heart, a motivation to make a difference and a sense of 'right'-- this is something that I should be involved with. I felt like I could add a new depth to the projects that I am already in the process of working on. I felt empowered.

I believe that all children should have the opportunity to follow their passion, their dreams and accomplish great things. Here are some strategies about how you can support your child in becoming inspired and how to motivate him/her to accomplish their goals:

• Expose your child to a variety of activities. Enroll your child in sport programs, art classes, dance classes, visit your local library, take trips to museums; help your child become aware of what he/she loves to do!
  
• Listen to your child! If your child says that they 'hate' basketball, but 'love' hockey, then help them get involved in hockey, even if you have your heart set on basketball. As Khalil Gibran says, "You may give [your children] your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you."
• Believe that they can succeed in what they love; be their greatest supporter! Help them build their confidence and self-esteem so that they believe that they can succeed too!
  
• Lead by example: follow your own dreams! And tell your child how it makes you feel when you do! Explain the self-satisfaction that you feel when you have accomplished one of your own goals!
• Teach your child to think with their brain and calculate risks, but also to follow their hearts!
  

As you start working to help your child become inspired, motivated and to follow their dreams, I will be doing the same for myself. Jason Goldsmith's next training session is on December 4th, 2011 at College TAV, 6333 Decarie. Please visit www.thebigbluehug.com for more information. I hope to see you all there!



If you have an idea for my next blog or would like to send me any comments/inquiries, please feel free to contact me at robin@brightsidelearning.com .

Ask questions to get what you want---

Last week, I received 5 telephone calls that sounded like this:

Parent: “I need a tutor for my child.”

Robin: “Okay, can you tell me what subject your child needs help with?”

Parent: “He needs help with math.”

Robin: “What types of difficulties does he have in math?”

Parent: “He’s unmotivated and homework time is really difficult in our house. He just won’t listen to me. I think it’s because I’m his parent. What should have taken 20 minutes ends up taking 3 hours and there is always crying, screaming and fighting while we do homework. His grades suffered last year because of this. I don’t know what to do. He actually understands the math, I just need someone to help me get him on track, focused and make sure he completes everything that he needs to do. I need someone to motivate him.”

Robin: “Does he have any other areas of difficulty?”

Parent: “Yes, he does not know how to study, take notes or organize himself. I just can’t go through this frustration every day again this year. I don’t know what to do.”

At this point in the conversation, I assure the parents that I can work with their child and get him motivated and on track; this is my specialty. The parents all continue telling me the same story after that: they’ve hired tutors in the past. They’ve come to help with math or science or English or French, but nothing has worked. How do I know that I can get their child on track?

My answer: I do not believe in subject-specific tutoring for all children; it does not always work. I use the course materials to help children learn the skills they need to know to succeed academically and help build their academic self-esteem.

At this point, I let parents know that whether they choose to work with me or someone else, they need to ask particular questions when looking for a tutor. And before doing so, they need to figure out exactly what they are looking for:

· Is your child having difficulty with subject-specific content?

· Is your child unmotivated?

· Is your child succeeding in concept-based math but not word problems?

· Can your child easily understand a text and answer questions about it?

· Do you want someone to do homework with your child every day?

· Do you need the tutor to be in regular contact with your child’s teachers?

Now that you know WHAT you’re looking for, it’s time to figure out WHO you’re looking for. When parents who are looking to help their child become motivated, complete homework regularly and become organized tell me that tutoring doesn’t work, it is usually because the previously hired tutors have been subject-specific. Often times, it is appealing to find a university student who is majoring in mathematics to help your child in math; the rates are cheaper and the student seems like a specialist. BUT the problem is that your child does not need specific help in math like you originally thought. Since you’ve gone through your checklist of what you are looking to get your child help with, you’ve realized that you are looking for an actual academic coach/teacher. You are looking for much more than math help. So when you are calling tutoring organizations, it is very important to ask who will actually be working with your child, what their qualifications are and why you think they can help. It takes someone who is qualified, experienced and on-the-ball to make sure that your child’s needs are being met. And by experienced, I don’t mean “ I’m 20 years old and I have lots of experience with children; I’ve been babysitting since I was 15 and I was a counselor at a summer camp.” I’m referring more to: “I have 5 years of solid teaching experience, I know how to teach the same concept in many different ways according to the way your child learns, and I will help your child to become an independent learner.”

Parents, this is your chance to take responsibility for finding the right person to work with your child. There are no more excuses when it comes to finding a tutor that does not meet your child’s needs. Don’t forget: you are your child’s cheerleader and ultimate supporter. Make your support count!