Changing your expections

If you change your expectations then you won't be disappointed. This is something that my mother always told me... To the point where, as a teenager, if I heard her say it one more time, I was going to scream! But now, I understand why she wanted to instill this idea in me. She did not want me to feel hurt. As I am slowly discovering, life is all about setting and achieving goals.  When we meet these goals, we feel successful; when we do not meet these goals, we feel a sense of failure and disappointment.  As if that wasn't enough PRESSURE and STRESS... Our society dictates that we set extremely high expectations for ourselves and push these expectations on our kids; we should never be happy with what we have and always want more; we should continue on with things that do not make us happy so that we can show dedication, perseverance and complete tasks that are given to us. We need to do these things to prove that we are motivated to succeed and accomplish what is expected of us.  But who has laid out the path that we walk along? And who has decided what is enough and what is too little? And who decides what is satisfactory and what is not? Is it okay for us to let society define the answers to these questions? Not when it comes to making life a little bit easier for our kids, it's not.

It is extremely important  that when we set goals and/or expectations for our children that we base them on the capabilities that they actually have.  DO NOT LET SOCIETY SET THESE GOALS FOR YOU!  Society decides what 'normal' is and we all work to reach this normality or strive above it.  But what actually is 'normal'?  Is anybody 'normal'?  Can all children beviewed through a standardized lens, have standardized goals and expectations placed on them and then succeed in a standardized and normal way?  I'm sure you've guessed my answer.... NO!

When setting expectations and goals for your child, make sure to set goals that your child can achieve!  Think about it-- You join a gym because you want to lose weight.  You set your goal to be 8 pounds in the first week.  You lose 3.  We all know that unless someone is extremely overweight and a competitor on The Biggest Loser, that an 8 or more pound weight loss is an extremely, sometimes impossible, goal to achieve.  Knowing this would you set yourself up for failure or set up a goal that is achievable and reasonable?  The same logic applies to setting grade goals for your child.  Decrease the grade goals that you set for your child; this way when he/she does receive an extremely high grade, you will be able to experience pride and excitement with your child!  Be your child's biggest support and experience the accomplishments with them! 

If you have a specific question or topic that you would like to see in my next blog, email me at robin@brightsidelearning.com

STRUCTURE = SUCCESS

To home school or not to home school? That is the question being analyzed by researchers at Concordia and Mount Allison Universities. Their study of 74 children, half being schooled in a structured home environment and half at a public school, indicated that the winner is... A STRUCTURED HOME SCHOOLING ENVIRONMENT! As a matter of fact, their studies indicated that children who receive structured homeschooling had increased levels in all subject areas, including math, reading and writing. Moreover, the study found that children who were learning in unstructured homeschooling environments were more likely to have lower test scores than children in structured homeschooling and public schools. What does this study confirm? It confirms that parents should SET THEIR KIDS UP FOR SUCCESS BY PROVIDING THEM WITH STRUCTURE, ORGANIZATION AND SCHEDULES!

Parents, when you provide your children with structure, this means that you are asserting and establishing your parental authority and control in a responsible manner, by encouraging healthy growth and development in your children. This means that YOU are in control, not your child, and that you are setting him/her up for success! You are teaching your child about good work ethic, hard work, dedication, follow through, discipline, achievement and morals/values. Isn't this what every parent wants? Just imagine if you never would have put rules in place about your child running into the street-- That would be extremely dangerous! Just like we set our kids up to understand safety concerns, we need to set them up to understand what it takes to achieve academic success.


Here are some tips about positive and negative consequences that you can use to get your child to follow the structure that you have put into place:

1. Establish Family Rules:

• Make sure that you provide your children with specific, clearly defined rules. For example, instead of saying 'No hitting,' be more specific: 'No hitting your brother.'
• Ensure that your rules are attainable! Do not outline that your child must set the table if he/she cannot reach the dishes/If your rule is 'All children in our house should work to achieve grades of 80% or higher,' make sure that your child is able to achieve that goal.
  
• Make a list of rules and then present them to your children. Discuss them so that everyone understands what is expected of them.
  

2. Use Rewards to Increase Positive Behavior:

• If you are providing your child with a reward to reinforce positive behavior, it is best to do so immediately after the behavior has occurred.
  
• Make a list of desirable and appropriate behaviors so that everyone in your household can clearly identify them.
  
• Reward DOES NOT mean a gift or money. There are other ways to give your child a reward:

1. Acknowledge the desired/appropriate behavior: "I noticed that you listened well when I was giving you instructions. Thank you."
2. Express appreciation or approval: "I like when you clean up your toys!"
3. Praise the behavior: "Great job!"
4. Show interest in your child and the activities the he/she is doing: "I see that you are building a house out of blocks, can you explain to me what you're making?"
5. Smile, give your child a hug or a pat on the back.
   
6. Participate in an activity with your child: "You listened really well. Would you like to play a game with mom?"
7. Give your child the treat of doing something he/she loves: Give your child 15 extra minutes on the computer or watching television, take your child to a movie or to the park or take him/her swimming or skating. When using these rewards, try putting into place a points system so your child can work his/her way up to this special treat.
   

3. Use Consequences to Reduce Inappropriate/Undesirable Behavior:

• Discuss the details and consequences of your Family Rules when everyone is calm and your child is not misbehaving.
  
• Explain why the rules are important: "It is important to put your toys away when you are finished playing with them because someone could trip over them and get hurt."
• When your child exhibits an inappropriate behavior acknowledge how he/she feels: "I understand that you were angry so you hit your sister."
  
• Explain how you feel when your child exhibits inappropriate behavior by using I Statements: "I feel ______ when you ________."
  
• Explain the impact that the inappropriate behavior can have: "When you hit your sister you can hurt her."
  
• Re-state your expectation and help your child make a plan of action the next time something happens: "The next time you are angry with your sister please come tell me so I can help you deal with it in a better way."
  

By implementing this type of structure, you can help your child to succeed! These are skills that your child will take to school and can help him/her develop an excellent work ethic, can-do attitude and better listen and follow directions.

If you have a suggestion for my next blog, please feel free to send me an email at robin@brightsidelearning.com .

CATCHING THE BUS

I remember being a full-time student in university during midterms. Every class had an exam AND a paper due. That made five exams to study for and five papers to write in a two week time span. And of course, for every exam, there was a ton of reading to do that I always left until the last minute, and for every paper, there were pages and pages of articles to read. I was drowning. PRESSURE. STRESS. ANXIETY. I was running behind a bus, out of breath, and just could not seem to catch up. Somehow, of course, I always seemed to pull it together; I would get everything completed and done well. Midterms were exhausting, draining and emotional. But somehow I got through them, year after year. How did I do this? I took responsibility for what I had to do, made a plan of action and followed through. I stopped trying to reach the bus after it left and actually caught and boarded it before its departure instead. I took action. I got rid of the dog and took initiative. Are you doing the same when it comes to your child's education?

PRESSURE. ANXIETY. STRESS. A lot of kids are out of breath and trying to catch the bus when it comes to school. Parents want their children to succeed academically but are they doing what it takes to help them? When you hire a tutor are you expecting that all of the responsibility is taken off of your shoulders? Are you helping your child learn good study habits from an early age? It is important to remember that children do not have the life experience, communication skills or critical thinking power to deal adequately with PRESSURE, ANXIETY or STRESS. This means that parents must help them take responsibility for their studies by being role models; show your children how to catch their breath and the bus.

There are many things that you can do to demonstrate academic responsibility and it's best to start implementing these strategies when your children are young.

• Get your child into a routine. Setting up an after school schedule for your child will help determine expectations and create standards. Make the schedule with your child and post it on the fridge so that he/she knows exactly what to do. Here is a sample schedule:
  

• Enforce the schedule! If your child knows that he is not being monitored, then he/she might try to take advantage! Make sure that you demonstrate accountability by holding your child responsible for following the schedule.
  
• Actively participate in your child's schedule. Work with your child to complete his/her homework; make sure that everything is done correctly and completely! Ask your child questions to make sure that he/she understands key concepts.
  
• When there is an upcoming assignment, test or project, demonstrate how to avoid stress by making a plan of action to complete the work. Show your child how to make this plan of action and then slowly let him/her take on more responsibility in the planning process with each upcoming assignment. Here is an example of a plan of action for studying for a test:
  

Remember! If you want your child to be up to date, help him/her alleviate PRESSURE, ANXIETY and STRESS. Model the behavior that he/she should demonstrate and then follow-up on it! Do not be afraid to put in the time to demonstrate what you want your child to do. If your child sees you putting in the time, then he/she will not hesitate to also put in the time. By placing these measures into action early on, it will help your child avoid needing to catch his/her breath. Instead, he/she will be able to board the bus and succeed in school!