OWN IT!

I recently saw an amazing post on Facebook, forwarded by Inspirations, a publication associated with the English Montreal School Board that is dedicated to addressing the area of special needs: 

This video describes Jake as a child prodigy.  He excels in math and science.  His passion is math and science. In college at age 13, he is studying math and science... And he attributes his success to his autism diagnosis.  What has he done?  He has taken ownership of what others call a disability.  He has used it to his advantage.  He has been positively shaped by what society deems as a 'disadvantage'. 

Jake's story got me thinking about what drives people to make excuses.  My conclusion? FEAR.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of failure.  Fear of being different.  Fear of not belonging.  Fear of isolation.  Fear of rejection.  What would everyone think if they knew?  What would they do?  Would they treat me differently?  Why they make fun of me?  Would they accept me?  Would I be able to accept myself?  If there is something different about my child will I be able to accept it? And how will I teach my child to accept it?

When teaching children about bullying, we tell them to stand up to their bully.  We tell them to take control back from their bully.  We tell them to take ownership by turning insults into jokes.  We tell them to become empowered and advocate for themselves. We help them gain control back.

I was also recently watching Eminem's movie 8 Mile.  And the scene at the end when he is on stage rap battling against a guy who stole his girlfriend, beat him up in front of his young daughter and basically demoralized him is still unbelievable to me.  Eminem took responsibility and ownership of everything negative and insulting that the guy could have said about him and he left his competitor speechless; he turned his 'disadvantages' and 'disabilities' into something positive by winning the competition and making a name for himself.  He knew that all these things had happened to him and that they were a part of him, maybe even a defining part, but he did not let them break him.  Here is the youtube link for this rap battle (I am not posting the video directly because of extreme use of profanity): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHE0wmgljco

The reality is that it is difficult to all of us to accept who we are.  Why does a woman never tell anyone her weight?  Why do we hide family and/or marital problems?  Why do we seek to portray the image that we are living like 'the Jones'? We want acceptance and we want to belong. What's interesting to me though, is that individuals who figure out who they are and why they feel particular ways have adopted an attitude of ownership.  They have decided to own who they are, embrace is or combat it, and succeed.  And ultimately, what is it that we all want for ourselves and for our children?  SUCCESS!  It's never too early to help your child figure out who he/she is, what he/she is good at, his/her special talent, and how to use these things to form a successful life.  This is where your parental cheer-leading comes in! 

What do you think about this idea of ownership?  I'd love to hear your comments!  Also, if you have any ideas for my next blog or if you are looking for academic support for your child, please feel free to contact me at: robin@brightsidelearning.com . 

Failure Eliminators

NO EXCUSES! That's the theme of this blog.  It is also the theme of this season's The Biggest Loser.  I watch it every week.  Dolvett yells "HARDWORK!" and the contestants yell back "DEDICATION!"  This is how he keeps the contestants focused, on track and successful.  Him and Bob yell at everybody... all the time.  It is a new year, a new beginning and time to get back on the right track, with fresh eyes and a positive attitude.  I often wonder what it would be like to have someone yelling at me all the time.  Would it keep me motivated to stay on track?  Would I have more successes to add to my CV?  To my list of personal accomplishments?  Would I have more positively influenced and contributed to the lives of children?  I wonder... Does yelling really get the point across?  The answer is no.  Don't break me.  Instead, help me build my self-confidence.  Support me.  Show me that I'm valuable.  Show me that I'm worthy.  Show me what it feels like to succeed and help me sit in the glory of success, just for a little while.  But don't yell at me.  Don't put me down.  Don't belittle me.  I need a cheerleader, not a bully, as a parent, as a coach as a teacher.  I need a supporter.  

Yesterday, my boyfriend and I were watching an old episode of the Cosby Show.  Vanessa was in middle school and had her first boyfriend, Robert.  She was an A student.  Her and Robert "studied" (by "studied," I actually meant gazed at each other with a text book open on a table) for a test together and both received grades of D.  When Vanessa talked to her older brother, Theo, about the situation, he told her that her parents were going to scream at her, ground her and 'kill' her.  At that point, my boyfriend asked me how I would react if my child was in that situation.  I told him that it would depend but that I would speak to her about it and help her understand why it happened.  Then, if it happened again, I would find some type of appropriate consequence.  Sure enough, on the Cosby Show, Cliff and Claire sat at the kitchen table and talked with Vanessa and Robert.  There was no yelling.  I know that this is an old TV comedy show but we should use this as an example of how to speak with our children.  Notice I wrote: how to speak with your children instead of speak to your children...?

When dealing with your children, here are some things to remember: 

1. Speak with them.  Have a conversation!  Communication works well when both members are included in the conversation.  So instead of coming down on your child, putting them down, deflating their self-esteem and resorting immediately to punishment and/or consequences, try having a conversation.  You may be surprised to know that open and two-way communication can go a long way as a failure prevention tool!

2. Be direct.  If you want your child to accomplish specific tasks, tell them so in a direct, specific, non-judgmental and non-confrontational manner.  If you get excited about the task, put a positive spin on it, raise your tone of voice, smile when talking about it and create anticipation about it; your child will quickly become excited about the task as well!

3. Be stern but do not yell unless there is danger.  Use a stern parent voice to give serious directions but remember that yelling at your child does nothing but contribute to a circular pattern of failure: your child does something bad, you yell; he/she feels bad about him/herself, he/she does something bad again, you yell...  By using a stern, low-tone voice instead, your child knows that you are serious about what you're saying and that he/she should comply.  This does not play into his/her emotions and the child still knows that he/she is valued and loved. 

Remember... There are two major strategies that you can use to help eliminate your child's failures: (1) Be actively involved in your child's life, and (2) Follow through on what you say you are going to do.  By using these two strategies, you are giving your child control over the positive part of his/her life and you are also showing your child that you are in control of the rest of the time.

If you have any future blog ideas or any questions, or are looking for a tutor/academic coach for your child, please feel free to contact me at robin@brightsidelearning.com .