NO EXCUSES! That's the theme of this blog. It is also the theme of this season's The Biggest Loser. I watch it every week. Dolvett yells "HARDWORK!" and the contestants yell back "DEDICATION!" This is how he keeps the contestants focused, on track and successful. Him and Bob yell at everybody... all the time. It is a new year, a new beginning and time to get back on the right track, with fresh eyes and a positive attitude. I often wonder what it would be like to have someone yelling at me all the time. Would it keep me motivated to stay on track? Would I have more successes to add to my CV? To my list of personal accomplishments? Would I have more positively influenced and contributed to the lives of children? I wonder... Does yelling really get the point across? The answer is no. Don't break me. Instead, help me build my self-confidence. Support me. Show me that I'm valuable. Show me that I'm worthy. Show me what it feels like to succeed and help me sit in the glory of success, just for a little while. But don't yell at me. Don't put me down. Don't belittle me. I need a cheerleader, not a bully, as a parent, as a coach as a teacher. I need a supporter.
Yesterday, my boyfriend and I were watching an old episode of the Cosby Show. Vanessa was in middle school and had her first boyfriend, Robert. She was an A student. Her and Robert "studied" (by "studied," I actually meant gazed at each other with a text book open on a table) for a test together and both received grades of D. When Vanessa talked to her older brother, Theo, about the situation, he told her that her parents were going to scream at her, ground her and 'kill' her. At that point, my boyfriend asked me how I would react if my child was in that situation. I told him that it would depend but that I would speak to her about it and help her understand why it happened. Then, if it happened again, I would find some type of appropriate consequence. Sure enough, on the Cosby Show, Cliff and Claire sat at the kitchen table and talked with Vanessa and Robert. There was no yelling. I know that this is an old TV comedy show but we should use this as an example of how to speak with our children. Notice I wrote: how to speak with your children instead of speak to your children...?
When dealing with your children, here are some things to remember:
1. Speak with them. Have a conversation! Communication works well when both members are included in the conversation. So instead of coming down on your child, putting them down, deflating their self-esteem and resorting immediately to punishment and/or consequences, try having a conversation. You may be surprised to know that open and two-way communication can go a long way as a failure prevention tool!
2. Be direct. If you want your child to accomplish specific tasks, tell them so in a direct, specific, non-judgmental and non-confrontational manner. If you get excited about the task, put a positive spin on it, raise your tone of voice, smile when talking about it and create anticipation about it; your child will quickly become excited about the task as well!
3. Be stern but do not yell unless there is danger. Use a stern parent voice to give serious directions but remember that yelling at your child does nothing but contribute to a circular pattern of failure: your child does something bad, you yell; he/she feels bad about him/herself, he/she does something bad again, you yell... By using a stern, low-tone voice instead, your child knows that you are serious about what you're saying and that he/she should comply. This does not play into his/her emotions and the child still knows that he/she is valued and loved.
Remember... There are two major strategies that you can use to help eliminate your child's failures: (1) Be actively involved in your child's life, and (2) Follow through on what you say you are going to do. By using these two strategies, you are giving your child control over the positive part of his/her life and you are also showing your child that you are in control of the rest of the time.
If you have any future blog ideas or any questions, or are looking for a tutor/academic coach for your child, please feel free to contact me at robin@brightsidelearning.com .
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