STOP THE EXCUSES! NOW!

For some reason, everything always comes down to excuses.  If I hear 'But the dog ate my homework' one more time (not in those exact words of course), I swear, I might scream.  Every time I am ready to move on and write a blog about other topics (standardized testing, self-expression, self-confidence, global citizenship, etc.), I always feel the need to come back to talk about excuses.  When are people going to stop making excuses?  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Let me explain two cases that I've dealt with this week:

John is now 10 years old.  When he was two years old, he was exhibiting fits of aggression, delayed speech and behavior that just seemed out of the ordinary.  He was brought to his very traditional, old-fashioned family doctor and the family was told that John might just grow out of it.  After months and years, the family was still saying that he was behaving like a boy and that he would grow out of it.  He eventually went to preschool and his speech began to improve, although he was still extremely delayed in his learning and speech.  Still, the family would say, "he'll grow out of it."  When he entered Kindergarten, John was expelled within the first few months; his behavior was out of control and his skills were not even close to the norm.  It was recommended that he go for testing.  He was diagnosed with autism; something that he would clearly not 'grow out of.'  Over the past four years, John's skills, both socially and academically have improved drastically, since was now receiving the support that he needed all along.  In this case, the family did not want to accept what was going on and tried to ignore it. Imagine what John's life was like?  Imagine not being able to understand the world around you?  And imagine what it feels like to not get the help you need?  During his early years, John's quality of life could have been greatly improved had his family simply acknowledged that there was a problem. 

Jane, now in her mid 20's, has needed emotional and psychological support her entire life.  At an early age, her mother gave her everything she wanted and she developed a sense of entitlement.  She always made it seem like she believed that she was better than everyone else her age, mostly because she suffered from low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity.  Her home life was not perfect and she never learned to cope with living up to the expectations of the adults in her life.  She constantly felt like a failure and never felt like she fit in with her peers.  As a teenager, she became depressed and anxious.  She became unable to complete tasks, her self-esteem and self-image were lower than ever before, and she continued to feel like she was not accepted by her peers.  And now, as she has entered into early adulthood, those feelings have stayed consistent and followed her.  Throughout her struggle, her parents have always thought that things will fix themselves; if they just give her what she wants, she will be happy.  The parents have blamed each other.  Their favorite line is: she does this because of that.  There has always been an excuse.  ALWAYS.  And when I hear this excuse, my answer is ALWAYS the same: It doesn't matter why the behaviors are happening, we cannot use the 'why' as an excuse.  If we know the 'why', then we need to do what it takes to fix the problem.  Knowing the 'why' puts us one step ahead!  Now, just imagine what Jane's life could have been like if the parents would have acknowledged the problems and sought help?

These are the types of situations that push me over the edge!  I hate seeing children having to face issues/situations that are preventable; it is difficult and painful for me to watch, since I know that with a little bit of coaching, parents can help their children succeed.  I've personally witnessed these types of transformations with my clients. As a matter of fact, one of the moms that I work with recently suggested that I add 'Parent Coaching' as one of my services, adding that I have helped her a lot.  As I thought more and more about this, I realized that this blog is free parent coaching!  And everyone should take advantage of it, especially since studies indicate that coaching has proved as an extremely useful technique for parents dealing with stress stemming from their children.  All this has me thinking... A new tool for parents will soon be on its way... STAY TUNED!

What teachers make

I have to admit that I was glued to CJAD today, listening to the coverage of the student protests.  The CJAD reporters were interviewing participants at the protest and I was astounded to hear an interview with a professor in support of the students.  The Dawson College professor (I did not catch his name) stated that in class, he respects and listens to his students and questioned why he wouldn't respect and listen to them during this time.  He continued by saying that he was participating in the protest to support his students.  I was very proud of him for providing his support because this is what a teacher's job should be... to support their students.  They do not always have to agree with the students but they should always be a cheerleader for the students in some active way.  They should be role-models for their students and teach more than just what comes from a textbook... This teaches students the ultimate lesson: to become active, contributing members of society who critically analyze the world around them-- showing someone that you care can literally evoke greatness.  

As I was listening to this professor speak, I was reminded of a poem that I read and fell in love with while studying my Bachelor of Education: What Teachers Make by Taylor Mali.  ENJOY!

WHAT TEACHERS MAKE

The dinner guests were sitting around the table
discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain
the problem with education. He argued:
“What’s a kid going to learn from someone who decided
his best option in life was to become a teacher?”

He reminded the other dinner guests that it’s true
what they say about teachers: “Those who can…do.
Those who can’t … teach.”

To corroborate, he said to another guest: “You’re a
teacher, Susan,” he said. “Be honest. What do you
make?”

Susan, who had a reputation of honesty and frankness,
replied, “You want to know what I make?”

I make kids work harder than they ever thought they
could. I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional Medal
of Honor and an A- feel like a slap in the face if the
student did not do his or her very best.”

“I can make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall
in absolute silence.”

“I can make parents tremble in fear when I call home”

“You want to know what I make?”

“I make kids wonder.”

“I make them question.”

“I make them criticize.”

“I make them apologize and mean it.”

“I make them write.”

“I make them read, read, read.”

“I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely
beautiful, and definitely beautiful over and over and
over again, until they will never misspell either one
of those words again.”

“I make them show all their work in math and hide it
all on their final drafts in English.”

“I make them understand that if you have the brains,
then follow your heart…and if someone ever tries to
judge you by what you make, you pay them no
attention!”

“You want to know what I make?”

“I make a difference.”

“And you? What do you make?”

The gift of time

Over the past two weeks, I have been faced with a perilous task: I had to write an article for Inspirations Newspaper.  I would write one draft and then delete it.  I would write another draft, and move it to the bottom of the page.  I knew what I wanted to write about but nothing would link together properly.  It was tedious.  I stared at my computer, stared into space, stared at the wall.... Nothing would help.  When all else failed, I acted out: I yelled at my boyfriend, yelled at my mom... I felt like a failure.  I just didn't think that I could accomplish this task. I was defeated, depressed; I felt alone in the world.  I had a major headache.  Life sucked.  I was very stressed out about this situation.  I had written thousands of words and I had deleted thousands of words.  Was I ever going to succeed? 

When I came home from work today, I started writing.  And to my relief, it was good.  It was exactly what I had been looking for.  I was able to link everything together, explain myself and really send a message to the readers.  I felt proud.  I was beaming when I was done.  I wasn't a failure after all.  I just needed time. And so do students everywhere. 

We assign work to students and put time limits on them.  Why is this?  Could this possibly work for everyone?  The answer is simple: NO!  Standardization does not work.  Instead, what works is helping kids get the tools and skills they need in order to succeed.  I'm sure that adults everywhere have needed time to think about something, write something, put something into action.... Why should adults be afforded the gift of time if children are not?

Often, only children with IEPs (Individual Education Plans) are allowed access to extra time.  If you notice that your child is having difficulty with tests or meeting time limits, it is essential that you investigate.  Do not rely on your child's teacher to notice that your child is struggling or what the root cause may/may not be.  

Use these tips to find out if your child is struggling to complete tasks in a timely manner: 

• Talk to your child.  Make sure to ask your child how his/her day was... EVERYDAY!  Do not just accept the answer of 'fine'.  Ask questions, search for details and see how your child is feeling about school. 
• If your child comes home with a test/assignment that needs attention, ask your child to describe what happened during the test.  Is it a knowledge issue?  Was he/she adequately prepared?  Did he/she feel like he/she was running out of time?  Did he/she not understand the instructions?
• Know what is going on with your child's homework.  If you notice that homework completion takes forever for your child, speak to his/her teacher.  Make sure that a lot of work has been assigned.  If homework takes forever, it could be a sign that your child is having difficulties. 
• Speak to your child's teacher.  If you suspect that your child is struggling with anything, make sure to bring it to the teacher/school's attention.  Awareness will only help your child in the end. 

For me, addressing my issues with time was easy enough.  I was able to make sure that I had the time I needed to complete my article.  But look at what happened before I was able to complete it: I became frustrated, felt unsuccessful, felt like a failure, felt incapable and felt worthless.  And I am an adult; I know better and can bounce back.  Imagine what a child must feel like.  It cannot be easy. That is why we must all be actively involved in the lives of our children and address issues as they come up. 

If you are looking for an Academic Coach for your child, please feel free to contact me at robin@brightsidelearning.com or www.brightsidelearning.com .

To Do or To Wait... I know! Just PROCRASTINATE!

We make excuses all the time! I witness it every day.  I, for one, am a pro at it.  Pro- CRASTINATOR that is.  I procrastinate when doing everything.  If my family is coming over for dinner at 6:00pm, I will literally wait until 5:55pm to start preparing a salad.  If I have a deadline for a paper, I will start the day before.  I procrastinate at everything. As a university student, I may have been the worst procrastinator to EVER exist.  If I had a final exam at 5:45pm, I would shlep myself to a coffee shop at 8:00am with all my books and study non-stop until 10 minutes before the exam, at which point I would pack up and run over to write it.  People could not understand how I would get A's and B's in my courses.  Neither could I; what I do understand is that these methods generally do not work and that's why I NEVER teach them to my students!

So why do we procrastinate?  My favorite saying about procrastination comes from a book that I once stumbled upon: Eat That Frog!, by Brian Tracy: (http://www.scribd.com/doc/4307283/FREE-EXCERPT-Eat-That-Frog-21-Great-Ways-to-Stop-Procrastinating-and-Get-More-Done-in-Less-Time)

Mark Twain once said that if the first thing you do each morning is to eat a live frog, you can go through the day with the satisfaction of knowing that that is probably the worst thing that is going to happen to you all day long. Your “frog” is your biggest, most important task, the one you are most likely to procrastinate on if you don't do something about it. It is also the one task that can have the greatest positive impact on your life and results at the moment. 

The first rule of frog eating is this: If you have to eat two frogs,eat the ugliest one first.  

The second rule of frog eating is this: If you have to eat a live frog at all, it doesn't pay to sit and look at it for very long.

 

 I will be the first one to admit that mine are not the best ways of getting things done; I should probably not even be admitting to this type of behavior, since it is my job to help students rectify these bad habits (and all of the students that I work with do change their time management styles by the way!).  But we need to be able to identify between procrastinating and avoiding the 'smaller, everyday stuff' and the 'bigger, more important stuff.'  

One observation that I've made is that as a society, we wait until there is a major crisis to intervene and take action.  We are almost procrastinating so that we do not need to face our worse fears.  One area where we cannot procrastinate is when it comes to helping our children to excel, not only academically, but as contributing, valuable and empathetic members of society.

Too many times, I see parents not wanting to face the fact that their children need help.  Instead, they ignore it, admit to themselves that they are doing the best they can and get used to this way of life.  They resolve that their children will just end up being the way that they are, normalize what is going on or address issues as emergencies.  Instead, why don't we admit to ourselves that there is a problem and take control?  We actually choose to let a giant, green, smelly and slimy frog sit on our shoulders, instead of just facing our fears, admitting that help is needed, going out and getting the right type of help and DEALING WITH THE ISSUES!  I know that this is hard.  I've personally had to face many issues and it has been difficult.  But the end result is well worth it.  When we can use preventative measures instead of emergency reactionary measures to deal with life, we all benefit.  ESPECIALLY OUR CHILDREN.  

By taking control, we teach our children that we need to fix problems immediately, in a responsible and mature way.  We need to deal with things and move on so that we can be happy.  And we also teach them that admitting to and facing problems will not deteriorate who they are as a person; in fact, it will only make them stronger, more resilient contributing members of society. So instead of using excuses and blaming the dog, let's teach our kids to take control and take action; advocate for themselves!  

Parents!  Let's pull together to support one another!  Raising the next generation is difficult!  Life becomes more complicated, more difficult, perhaps more overwhelming, with time.  But even so, the worse incidences of dog-blaming occur when they affect our children; emotionally, psychologically and/or academically.  

If you are concerned that your child may be facing difficulties, please feel free to contact me.  I will be happy to refer you to the right resource/provide you with guidance. I can be reached at: robin@brightsidelearning.com .